It is amazing the effect one soul can have on another person. They can use that power for good or for evil. That is the foundation for most of the characters authors use in their books. The people that use that power for good leave an imprint on our souls and when they leave this earth, you will feel their absence for the rest of your life. When you lose a parent, it puts the universe out of focus and everything you thought you knew is now uncertain.
I was diagnosed with arthritis in my late twenties. It started in one hand and over the years; it progressed to the rest of my body. Eventually, my doctor and I figured it out. It was R.A. (rheumatoid arthritis). My dad had it, and my mother had degenerative arthritis in her lower back. So, when I look at my family history, I can see I didn’t have a chance in the arthritis department. Rheumatoid arthritis is an inflammatory autoimmune disorder. I also have Hashimoto’s. Hashimoto’s is also an autoimmune disorder caused by a malfunctioning thyroid. I also have chronic fatigue, also known in medical terms as CFS or Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. Each of these conditions makes my day-to-day life unpredictable. One day, I can feel just fine. The next day I am aching, sick to my stomach or feeling like I am coming down with the flu. Those are the days when I will tell you I am in a flare. Stress is a major trigger for flares.
When my mother died five months ago, shock fueled most of my days. After the shock wore off, the flare came. My hands ached, my stomach flipped, and the flu symptoms came. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure (not to mention stress inducing). I am sure many of you out there can relate. My mother wasn’t a physician, but calling her on the phone and complaining about my flares just seemed to make things better. Now that I don’t have that anymore, the world seems like a strange place to live.
My mother was also my beta reader. Not having her around for my next book has felt so empty. I have to live with the fact there will be no one to be proud of me in that way, and that is a tough pill to swallow. I have a new book coming out this year and it has been hard. Between the flares, wrapping up my mother’s affairs, and struggling to finish a novel, I have to grieve. She never wanted me to give up on my dream of being a known author. She said I had a gift and to never take that lightly. So, how do I find balance?
I don’t.
I don’t know that balance can be found every day. Every day differs from the next. Some days you can figure it all out (the balance), and the next day you write. Every other day in between, you break down, take care of your mental health, or battle your flares. You have to pick what is best for you daily and choose your battles wisely. I think life is like that. Life likes to throw things at you. Some days you face them, some days it is a game of dodgeball.
Right now, I have been in a flare for over a month. It has been painful, but I have taken each day one at a time. Writing has been my saving grace as I wait for my remission. Words are healing for me. This is a long journey, but I have always believed that everything under the sun happens for a reason. The reason for my mother’s death and my illnesses have not revealed itself as of today, but for now I believe my words and experiences can help others. I may not have advice for those fighting an illness or battling grief, but I can give you my experiences and my endless encouragement. We are in this together.
Healing is just around the corner. Don’t give up.
